months and months and months later.
from waiting for an im at eleven at night to getting a good morning call before school starts. i can’t even begin to explain how much things have changed. although it was a bumpy road and most certainly will probably still be a little bumpy along the way i am glad that we have made it here and i really truly hope that we make it a really really long time. you’ve helped me become a better me for both of us. i don’t think anyone will ever love me the way you do, and i don’t think i’ll ever love anyone the way i love you. with all that we’ve been through together, i don’t think there is absolutely anything that we can’t handle.
i’ll fix you the same way you put me back together. just obstacles no heartaches. broken promises are out of the picture.
you still to this day are the most beautiful girl there me. you’ll always be. my sanity. always.
i’ll love you in pain just as much as i’ll love you at best.
just more, no less.
This summer wasn’t rich in travelling to new places and the typical family adventure filled weekends.
I originally went on tumblr to rant about my anger towards a number of people but then doing that just makes me a hypocrite for many reasons.
And then I realized that being nice to those people doesn’t get me far so might as well be an asshole.
Like it just makes me sick to my stomach that I am still the bad person, the selfish one, the asshole when I have spent so much time WILLINGLY sparing people’s feelings by trying to do many things that could avoid making them feel like shit that I forgot about the things I need to sort out in my own life. People always make me feel obligated to do so many things in their life like I promised them heaven or some paradise. I didn’t.
Despite the “selfish and dumb” that most of my so called “friends” make me out to be, I’m kinda glad that I am not dumb enough to realize not to expect what someone never promised to offer or give to me, or selfish enough to make people feel so completely obligated that they feel trap and choked.
I can actually be an asshole if I wanted to
Cut anyone out completely, no explanations, no nothing
I don’t offer myself because I feel pity. When I say I’m going to be there it’s cause I know how much it sucks to be lonely
But shit
Not half of the people I thought would appreciate it even deserve it. Don’t use against me the fact that you were there for me or that you gave me your time or whatever. You gave me that because you wanted to. Did I ask for it? NO.
some people cry afraid to text someone because of rejection, some people go mad because their aircondition isn’t running on a warm summer night, some people sit and hate their life after spending money they didn’t earn on themselves, money others break their backs for, admittedly i was and maybe at moments i still am
i’m not trying to be deep because i am like that sometimes but at least i actually slap myself back into reality that even though i may have a perfect life, i have one that some people would kill to have,
i don’t really believe in the some people have it worst but you have what you have bullshit anymore, everyone has their right to feel, but don’t drag it out, don’t take it to the point where you make yourself pathetic
because i might just punch you in the face
Just went through messages that go way back from last summer on facebook. I don’t know if it’s normal to be so hung up on the past the way I am. I don’t necessarily want it back, I was just bored I guess
Reading those conversations brought back the way I felt those moments. Crazy, hopeless, lacking sanity, sleepless, almost always upset. I don’t really know why I let myself be the way I was, and why I let my life revolve around the smallest problems when I should have been worrying about bigger things.
Things have changed so much since then. I’m with someone who spent every night mad at the world for reasons only she knew then, but, I think, I do too now, considering you know..she let me in. My perspective on so many things have changed so much. I made new friends, lost some, grew closer to some, grew farther to most.
I just, I wish I was capable of making better decisions, knowing better and getting everything together. I really wish I do learn in time. I thought I was learning, I feel like I’m not
Every freckle, every tear shed, every thought, every complaint. Everything that makes you who you are makes you special. Absolutely, completely special to me.
And all of what makes you the special person that you are means entirely everything to me.
today i took a nice walk downtown where i live with maria, something which we don’t do very often i’d like to believe not by choice but because of the circumstances we’re in.
well, that’s not the point.
it was nice, we spend a lot of time together, a ridiculously large amount of time, and that’s fine. we make fun of the cliche things couples do but find ourselves doing the exact same things with each other and i don’t like it, i love it. us together, there is no medium. there is no in between. maria and i have always just been all or nothing. we were never friends. just strangers who turned into lovers, or something of that sort in the beginning.
still not the point.
it’s so weird. this is going to sound ridiculously gay and cheesy and over the top dramatic but i really don’t care if it does. i don’t know if it’s just my hormones working or if it was cause i was simultaneously reminding myself that i’m with her and she’s so pretty slash beautiful slash cute slash adorable and admiring her for it and all the many things she is.
i literally have not stopped thinking this way about her since i first laid my eyes on her.
i literally have not stopped feeling the way i do for her since i first met her. it just keeps on growing into all these things…better, more beautiful, crazy, lovely emotions all for her.
and despite the countless arguments and the little troubles that get in between, despite the many bad things that gets thrown in our faces
it’s not probable for me to fall out of love with her.
the way your emotions work as a teenager will be incomparable to anything else. also it’s only okay to cry about attention when you’re 17, but when you do that when you’re forty drinking coffee late at night, you’re insane.
kinda got a little sidetracked with my online summerschool cause of tumblr
well
it’s a little over a month since summer started. this summer is certainly different. i can’t really be specific as to how or why it is, mostly because it’s hard, but it really is. this summer isn’t the same as the usual. i’m not exactly sure if it’s cause of the fact that i’m slowly growing old enough to be able to do a lot of things, and getting away from it. this summer doesn’t feel like the typical wake up with a routine kind. i can also honestly say that i am more responsible than i usually am and i can still have a good time, (but of course no one believes that… but i don’t care.)
i really hope i get to do all that i want to do this summer.
also i realized that whenever i gain something i lose something else
it’s like a cycle
i’m kinda getting used to it
also i kinda don’t care for much about people’s opinions anymore
if you catch me fucking my girlfriend in a photobooth then you’ll catch me, if i spend time with someone i haven’t spoken to in awhile, it is actually probable that i speak to them again.. so don’t be surprised.
my life. my choice. i do what i want. you, and your words are pretty much irrelevant to me.
so i texted both my sister and father today saying i miss you. three words of which i meant, longing for nothing but the feeling of being missed back and just to to be able to spend time with them given the chance.
I’m used to late responses. It pretty much runs in my family to respond to a text message an hour later. Regardless if its important or not. So them not replying since this morning, I didn’t mind. Maybe they will before they go to bed or something. Dad works 24/7 and my sister isn’t really attached to her phone.
My sister didn’t reply yet but my dad called me a good ten minutes ago. It was an unknown number. I know it’s my dad calling when it’s an unknown number. I have no idea why it is unknown all the time, but I know it’s him when it appears on my phone. I had picked up and he said hello. I haven’t really talked to my dad like hello, how are you, what’s up since I guess I was 12? since then it was really hard building conversations with my dad, especially since I can’t help but think what mama thinks of him. (it is the same way conversing with my mom. all the things my dad say about her just cross my mind. i end up not knowing how to feel.) My dad is so awkward. He’s a good dad because he doesn’t know how to be a typical one. He doesn’t know what to say. He’s oblivious half the time. I guess I get it from him. And so he starts to asks me how I am. I say I’m fine. How’s summer school? it’s alright. Is there a problem? No. Where’s your mother? Work. What’s jake up to? what’s jake doing? Computer. What do you want? Do you need money? You’re broke again? No. Whats jake up to? Computer. Figure out what you want for your birthday maybe I can get it. Okay. Miss you too. Love you. Bye.
Four minute conversations, do they mean anything?
My girlfriend just flew to Spain yesterday and we have been taking every chance we get to talk whenever we could because we couldn’t really talk the way we usually do since there’s no wifi where she is, her phone has no service, and all of that.
Anyway I don’t really know what we seem like right now cause it really hasn’t even been more than 48 hours but I feel like people are judging us for seeming needy or whatever. Yeah, we do need each other, no denying it. She called me as soon as she got to Madrid which was about 3 in the morning here and hearing her upset on the phone really breaks my heart because she’s supposed to enjoy this vacation. I guess it’s only fun to get lost in the breaking heat when you’re with good company. But it’s okay because like I promised her, we’ll go there together someday soon.
This afternoon which was around 11:00 pm there? A little close to bed time? I was talking to her through facetime and I kept on getting a call from a random number and she had told me to pick it up cause she’s going to call her mom. So I did and it was one of her bestfriends, (she has a group of bestfriends and they’re all just happy and dine out and such) and she asked me to come outside my house for awhile and they were outside with flowers a letter and chocolates from Maria.
And it just really amazes me that she goes out of her way to do these things for me with the help of her friends.
She never fails to make me smile. She can be anywhere in the world and still manage to sweep me off my feet, like she always does. I am so happy to be with her, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s made me the happiest I have ever been and I hope I do the same for her.
