9:37 am — 1 note
I will honestly say that I take my father for granted most of the time. My dad not being there physically for well, almost my 17 years of existence, I know he tries to make up for it by giving what he could, material things and money—whatever I ask for. And when he couldn’t give me what I wanted he makes sure there’s something else he can give, hoping that it would be better than what I want, and hoping that with said gifts I am reminded that someone not very far away loves me and my whole being.
I hate myself because I use to excuse that I have grown up and that everything I used to do is just gay and sappy and that maybe I have convinced myself that none of these matter to you at times. I have went from waiting by the phone for your phone calls, hearing you play the songs you wrote for me, to only calling you when I needed something. From sending you poems I wrote myself and cutting out pictures I had left of us, to small text messages saying I love you and I miss you, when sometimes I dread the fact that I’m not free to do anything if you ever take the weekend trips to where Jake and I are, which only happens and once in a blue moon. I hate myself for never listening to you when you told me that I can do it. I hate myself because time flies quick and time is short and I know I’ll regret not reminding you that you are such an amazing father the way I always do.
I truly am grateful for all that you have done for this family. For sacrificing your life, and for keeping us together, and for never have leaving us unlike what other parents do when obligations get tough. I am so sorry that I am such a big failure and that I am such a disappointment, and if I could go back in time to change everything and if I could go back in time to work on myself I would. I’m sorry because I can’t make you proud. But I promise you that from here on then, your little princess will do everything she could and will give all that she can give to show you that all the hard work and the sacrifice of time has a good fruit.
I couldn’t stop myself from crying because these are all the things I could never tell you because I choose not to. Because I limit myself to short text messages and it’s my fault and I know it but I love you Papa and I miss you so much.